I would like to briefly share with you the three most important lessons I learned in my first week of classes at that gleaming Gothic wonderland of freedom, fairness, and tolerance, Duke University.

1. The reason people believe in limited government is because their fear of
government outweighs the good that government can do. From my notes exactly: fear
of govt > value of govt.

2. Americans are more religious than Europeans. But take heart, as my professor quickly reminded us: this doesn’t
necessarily mean the Europeans are better than us.
Who knew that “religiosity” was something to apologize for?

3. De-regulation caused the credit crisis so now the government needs to step in and fix this mess. Stupid greedy capitalists; wise public servants.

But these were just winding me up for the big event when I learned…

4. There are valid reasons to miss the first discussion section of a class. Now, lest we imagine different things, this is a discussion section led by a graduate student for a week in which there are no readings or assignments, just one long lecture about the “workings” of the course. (And the professor’s qualifications. My favorite? He was Al Gore’s foreign policy advisor.) This is a discussion section in which the most stirring debate is whether Obama can beat a “generic Republican”–whatever that is. This is also a discussion section in which the graduate student teaches us about the disturbing link between Christians and low taxes. (I must be a slow learner because I don’t really get it.)

So what would be valid reasons to miss this heart-stopping 50-minute intellectual extravaganza? Would it be (a) attending a job recruitment event when you have no intention of taking the job and/or (b) seeing off a close friend headed for a six-month tour of duty in Iraq?

If you answered A–and spit out your drink when you read B–you might be interested in lesson five.

5. Who needs to be caring when you can be tenured?