I got a chuckle out of this NPR dispatch on the new FCC “broadplan” that is supposed to make broadband faster, cheaper, whiten your teeth, etc. We are simply back to the ancient FCC model of wise gnomes in DC “managing” the disruptive and wild forces of competition for the supposed public good.

The FCC’s genius move is two fold. One, use phone taxes — the Universal Service Fee — to subsidize service in “underserved” areas, as determined by the FCC and corporate lobbyists. This is also a direct carry over from the old dial-tone era, nothing remotely forward-looking or 21st century about it. Two, transform the FCC managed duopoly of Cable Guys and Phone Guys into a tri-opoly by subsidizing a Wireless Guy into existence. Wireless Guy would be brought to life by more or less forcing TV stations to sell off part of their spectrum. (You can bet the TV Guys will extract some sort of consumer screwing goodie in exchange for any spectrum they do part with.)

That’s it.

What this means is that sooner or later Universal Service Fees will be applied to Internet service, a development some of us have been warning about for, oh, 15 years now. This will be a new broadband tax and it will raise billions. Ignore all the other pointless fluff about 1 gigabit pipes into community “anchors” — a complete waste of time, money, and resources.

But the program will provide nifty grip-and-grin photo ops for clueless pols who support crippling distortions of America’s broadband future in service of a New Deal relic. If and when the FCC’s plan is adopted, it will be the day the Good Old Days of the Internet come to a close.