Come in Kevin!

The FCC commish, Weddington native, Charlotte Catholic grad, UNC grad, and very, very powerful federal regulator is evidently in orbit. Put that bong down Kev, and stay the hell away from Infinity’s End — you are talking crazy. The AP reports:

Concerned that a steady diet of TV ads is putting too many pounds on American children, the Federal Communications Commission plans to study links between the ads, viewing habits and the rise of childhood obesity.

“Small children can’t weed out the marketing messages from their favorite shows,” FCC Chairman Kevin Martin said Wednesday at a news conference. “Especially when the marketing campaigns feature favorite TV characters like SpongeBob or Scooby-Doo.”

Where to start with this steaming load of scrappy-doo?sb

First, who cares how small children react to marketing messages, Kev. Small children do not buy groceries. You know that Kevin — or exactly how many times did Mama Martin stick a binky in your toddlin’ yob, hand you a $10 spot, and point you toward Food Lion? Are you sure you graduated from Carolina?

Better still, those evil marketers and food corps are waaaaay ahead of you. Do you know that you can buy little bags of fresh, raw carrots, perfect for snacking or a sandwich side at lunch, complete with a SpongeBob logo? My five-year-old has been asking for “SpongeBob carrots” for about two years now.

Then there is the whole grain-infused, vitamin-added “supermac” and cheese in the shape of the Fairly Odd Parents. Not an everyday sort of food to be sure, more like a once a week side dish, and it is a toss up whether I want that show on in my house or I jab my eyes out with knitting needles, but Kev, parents do have options here. And certainly more than they had 20, 10, or even five years ago.

Besides, what exactly is the FCC going to study and prove with this study? That kids who watch hours and hours of TV are chubby compared to kids who run and jump and climb and swim? Wow, you think? And so, naturally, it must be the TV ads for junk food using kid-friendly themes which are directly responsible for the chubbiness. Ah, I see. Powerful stuff.

Here’s the deal Kev: This is a cheap political stunt by a Bush administration looking for quick and easy ways to punch perceived hot button issues among a restless conservative base a few weeks out from a tight midterm election. You are this week’s hot button, signing on to pet project of Sen. Sam Brownback (Kan.).

Last week’s hot button was Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and his absurd plea for two years of Internet records from every American in order to stop kiddie porn. Next week, who knows — the button might shift to ag policy and try some give-away to further buck-up the feckless Midwest.

The important thing, Kev, is that you sold yourself out to a manifestly bogus idea and didn’t really mind looking ridiculous in the process. Bet Mama Martin is so very proud.

On the flip-side, you’d be a perfect candidate for local office back here in Metrolina. Hmmmmm.

Special Message to FCC Minions: Could you please cycle out of 1997 and start posting your press releases in HTML? I know from your regulations that technology is hard and scary for you, but c’mon already. A Word doc or PDF? Just sad.