Determined and dogmatic Linus van Pelt to Obamacare’s Great Pumpkin, the N&O had major news today: They have found an actual live human being, in North Carolina, who was able to enroll for health insurance under Obamacare.

Granted, it took this person hours of consulting with a “navigator” whose solution to navigating the “buggy web site” (the N&O has allowed its message to step down from “bumpy,” which was a step down from rivaling the iPhone) was the not-quite-iPod-government solution of “paper, pen and envelope” and the expectation of “weeks” before receiving subsidy confirmation. But never mind that; we found one!

Indeed, the implication is the N&O has found more than one, with references to “hundreds of paper applications,” “processed scores of them,” and — whoah, Nellie! — a whole “smattering of enrollees.”

We know that a score is one-fifth of a hundred, but how much is a smattering? Um,

The number of successful enrollments remains unclear, and insurance companies refuse to discuss their enrollment figures, but the feds say they will disclose state-by-state totals in mid-November.

Out of faith, we shalt believe it must be a huge number and not, say, six, as was shown in the “Saturday Night Live” skit that turned out to be less parody than it was eerily accurate prophecy.

Out of zeal, we shalt say “Get thee behind me, reports of far more insurance cancellations than enrollments.” Especially Duke researcher Chris Conover’s findings reported in Forbes that Obamacare will cause over two-thirds of Americans with private health insurance to lose it:

More precisely, of the 189 million Americans with private health insurance coverage, I estimate that if Obamacare is fully implemented, at least 129 million (68%) will not be able to keep their previous health care plan either because they already have or will lose that coverage by the end of 2014.

Oh, and resist the temptation to read The Locker Room this morning or Peggy Noonan’s summary today:

The problem now is not the delivery system of the program, it’s the program itself. Not the computer screen but what’s inside the program. This is something you can’t get the IT guy in to fix.

They said if you liked your insurance you could keep your insurance—but that’s not true. It was never true! They said if you liked your doctor you could keep your doctor—but that’s not true. It was never true! They said they would cover everyone who needed it, and instead people who had coverage are losing it—millions of them! They said they would make insurance less expensive—but it’s more expensive! Premium shock, deductible shock. They said don’t worry, your health information will be secure, but instead the whole setup looks like a hacker’s holiday. Bad guys are apparently already going for your private information.