Judge Covid, who should wear face masks?
WORKERS IN MEAT AND POULTRY PLANTS
IF THEY CANNOT SOCIAL DISTANCE
Really? But I heard —
ALSO WORKERS IN NURSING HOMES
AND OTHER LONG-TERM CARE FACILITIES
That’s it? And here I thought we all had to wear face masks.
MASKS ARE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND LONG-TERM CARE WORKERS
Wait? What about health care workers?
FOLLOW CDC GUIDANCE
Thank you, your Horror. I can’t breathe with my face covered.
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE
Even if you don’t work in meat processing or nursing homes?
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE
But you said masks —
MASKS ARE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND LONG-TERM CARE WORKERS
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE
Wait. What’s the difference?
FACE COVERINGS ARE SAFE
NOT HAVING FACE COVERING IS UNSAFE
What is a “face covering”?
ANYTHING
Anything?
ANYTHING
SO LONG AS IT COVERS THE NOSE AND MOUTH
Anything?
ANY SYNTHETIC OR NATURAL FIBERS
CAN EVEN BE HOMEMADE
OK, but doesn’t there have to be some way of actually preventing microscopic viral —
SCARVES
BANDANAS
OLD T-SHIRTS
OOH DISH TOWELS
Dish towels are safe?
A DISH TOWEL ON YOUR FACE IS SAFE
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE DISH TOWELS
Oh come on, weren’t we told improvised face coverings were so risky, it was better to go without?
I CHANGED MY MIND
Of course you did.
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE DISH TOWELS
I’VE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING ELSE
What is it?
WRAP YOUR FACE WITH PLASTIC
Hold up.
PLASTIC FACE SHIELDS ARE SAFE
UNLESS YOU PROCESS MEAT OR WORK IN NURSING HOMES
I’m surprised you haven’t mentioned N95 masks.
SELFISH
N95 RESPIRATORS ARE FOR HEALTH CARE WORKERS
BUT IF YOU HAVE ONE IT IS SAFE
OK. N95 for health care workers, surgical masks for meat processors, and … dish towels for everyone else?
SAFE AND EFFECTIVE
This cannot be based in science.
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT
Anything. I suppose I could spray my nose and mouth with Silly String and —
SILLY STRING FACE COVERING IS SAFE
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE SILLY STRING
But not if you process meat or work at nursing homes.
FACE SILLY STRING IS UNSAFE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND NURSING HOMES
EXCEPT IF THEY DON’T HAVE A MASK
Huh? So they aren’t required to wear surgical masks?
MASKS ARE FOR MEAT PROCESSORS AND LONG-TERM CARE WORKERS
EXCEPT IF THEY DON’T HAVE A MASK
THEN ANYTHING IS SAFE
OK, so when must we have face coverings?
ALMOST EVERYONE ALMOST EVERYWHERE
WHEN YOU CANNOT SOCIAL DISTANCE
Even restaurants?
RESTAURANTS ARE UNSAFE
HALF RESTAURANTS ARE SAFE WITH FACE DISH TOWELS
EXCEPT SITTING AT YOUR TABLE
OR ACTIVELY EATING OR DRINKING
So we have to take off and put back on our face coverings over and over? Weren’t we told that touching and moving our face covering was riskier than not wearing face coverings at all?
I CHANGED MY MIND
What about beauty salons and barber shops?
HALF BEAUTY SALONS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
HALF BARBER SHOPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
What if I need grooming where the face covering is?
HALF BEAUTY SALONS WITHOUT FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
IF YOUR FACE IS BEING GROOMED
HALF BARBER SHOPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
IF YOUR FACE IS BEING GROOMED
How does that suddenly become safe?
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT
What about massage parlors or tattoo parlors?
HALF MASSAGE PARLORS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
HALF TATTOO PARLORS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
You keep saying half. If face coverings are safe, then why can’t restaurants, beauty salons, barber shops and so forth be safe at full capacity?
UNSAFE
FULL CHILD CARE FACILITIES AND CAMPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ARE SAFE
WHEN ADULTS CANNOT SOCIAL DISTANCE
Well, that’s good. It’s in the middle of summer. So adults need face coverings —
FACE DISH TOWELS FOR ANYONE AT LEAST 12 YEARS OLD ARE SAFE
So it begins at 12.
I’VE CHANGED MY MIND
Yes?
FACE DISH TOWELS FOR ANYONE AT LEAST 11 YEARS OLD IS SAFE
11-YEAR-OLD LIVES DEPEND ON FACE DISH TOWELS
Ah. Well, at least kids can finally play togeth—
PLAYGROUNDS ARE UNSAFE
What? You mean kids can go to camps but not playgrounds?
PLAYGROUNDS ARE UNSAFE
CAMPS WITH FACE DISH TOWELS ON EVERYONE OVER 10 ARE SAFE
Now this is completely arbitrary.
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT
OK, so we all must have face cover—
ALMOST EVERYONE
What? Are there exceptions other than being less than 11 or, how did you say it, “actively” eating or drinking?
STRENUOUSLY EXERCISING
What’s that? “Strenuously” exercising?
YOU BREATHE MORE WHEN YOU EXERCISE STRENUOUSLY
BREATHING MORE WITH FACE DISH TOWELS IS UNSAFE
Right, but until just now haven’t you consistently ruled breathing more was unsafe?
I CHANGED MY MIND
Yes, your Horror. Still, there’s no place like a gym for strenuous exer—
GYMS ARE UNSAFE
You’re kidding. So you didn’t change your mind.
I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT BREATHING MORE
GYMS ARE UNSAFE
But gyms are open in 46 states. How —
GYMS OUTSIDE OF NORTH CAROLINA ARE SAFE
GYMS HERE ARE UNSAFE
How are gym unsafe here, still, even with face coverings? How can face coverings be safe at restaurants and —
HALF RESTAURANTS
— at half restaurants until we sit down and actively eat, or half salons until we have our faces worked on, but not at gyms until we reach each new station?
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT
Are there more exceptions?
THERE ARE MANY MORE
READ THE PDF OR THE FAQS TO THE PDF
How does the virus know the difference between —
NO FACE DISH TOWEL IF YOU CAN’T SEE TO DRIVE
NO FACE DISH TOWEL WHEN SOMEONE CANNOT UNDERSTAND YOU
NO FACE DISH TOWEL WHEN TALKING TO A GOVERNMENT AGENT
Is this really about safety or about making a show of “safety”?
OOH AND NO FACE DISH TOWEL WHEN GIVING A SPEECH
Is that why you’re not wearing a face covering now, your Horror?
DO YOU WANT TO BE FOUND IN CONTEMPT OF COVID COURT
I apologize, your Horror. What about people with certain medical conditions, disabilities, anxiety, and so forth?
FACE DISH TOWELS WITH CERTAIN MEDICAL CONDITIONS ARE UNSAFE
I agree; that makes sense, actually.
ALSO
COVID LAW DOES NOT REQUIRE FACE DISH TOWELS WHEN UNCONSCIOUS
BUT I COULD CHANGE MY MIND
Ah. Well. What about religious objections?
…
Um, your Horror? What about religious objections to face coverings? Aren’t face coverings due to religious beliefs still exempt?
HAVING NO FACE COVERINGS DUE TO RELIGIOUS BELIEFS WAS SAFE
BUT I WILL NOT SAY IF I’VE CHANGED MY MIND
Why not?
RELIGIOUS BELIEFS ARE COVERED BY A DIFFERENT COURT
I REFUSE TO SAY A HIGHER COURT
OK, OK. How do we know for sure someone is exempted from needing a face covering?
ASKING FOR PROOF IS UNSAFE
Really?
EVERYONE IS ON THE HONOR SYSTEM
TELL THE TRUTH
An honor system, are you for real? Are we in kindergarten?
THE VIRUS KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE
An honor system. Like “Give a penny, take a penny.”
PENNIES ARE UNSAFE
UNLESS MADE INTO FACE COVERINGS
LIVES DEPEND ON FACE PENNIES
So if I go to a business —
HALF BUSINESS
So if I go to a half business, half restaurant, half grocery store, half bowling alley —
BOWLING ALLEYS ARE UNSAFE
Oh, I forgot. But that’s another thing. If face coverings are safe, why can’t bars, gyms, bowling alleys, martial arts dojos, dance studios, fitness centers, movie theaters, skating rinks, and I forget all the others be open? Why can’t all businesses open all the way?
ALL UNSAFE
But your Horror —
COVID LAW IS INSCRUTABLE
UNLESS YOU ARE AN EXPERT
Fine. So if I go to a half business and tell them I cannot wear a face covering, they can’t ask why?
ASKING WHY IS UNSAFE
So businesses can let me in without a face covering if I can’t wear one?
IF YOU TELL THEM THEN THEY ARE SAFE
But how does —
BUSINESSES WHO LET YOU IN WITHOUT A MASK CAN BE FINED
I thought you just said they were safe.
THEY ARE SAFE AND UNSAFE
THE VIRUS KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE
But how do the business owners know the difference?
THEY CAN BE DEPUTIES OF COVID COURT
Deputies of Covid Court? I’m completely confused now.
REFUSING TO LET YOU IN IS VERY SAFE
I give up.
HAVE YOU MET KAREN THE ENFORCER
Who?
SHE IS AT EVERY BUSINESS EVERYWHERE
THE DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA OF COVID LAW
SHE KNOWS WHEN YOU’VE BEEN BAD
This is exceptionally creepy.
LIVES DEPEND ON KAREN THE ENFORCER
Judge Covid rulings:
