I am shocked that any of you — whether on the first or second floor — think it is fair that you have access to multiple brands of coffee when those of us who telecommute are left to fend for ourselves.
The drinking field must be leveled. Therefore, I propose a new sin tax to give everyone equal opportunity to enjoy the coffee.
A Wake Up and Smell the Coffee Tax of 50 cents per cup will be imposed on SECOND floor coffee. A tax of $1 per cup will be imposed on FIRST floor coffee, since first-floor coffee drinkers have clearly won life’s lottery, and that’s simply not fair. Remember, paying taxes is patriotic.
Both taxes will be collected by JLF Executive Vice President Kory Swanson, who will meet with the soon-to-be-appointed Wake Up and Smell the Coffee Tax Transparency and Accountability Committee. This group, which will include an equal number of men and women, will study how best to redistribute the tax revenue to the telecommuters.
Now that I’m going to get FREE coffee, I’m planning to try what I’m told is wonderful Dunkin Donuts coffee. But I won’t use the drive-thru window. Drive-thrus are killing the planet.
UPDATE: Kory assures me this new tax will save or create 50 jobs. He will explain how hopeful he is about this change during his upcoming listening tour.
