Jon, with all due respect, I feel compelled to refute your generalization about “klutzy paper carriers.” I speak from knowledge on this because not too long ago (less than a year) I moonlighted as one for, let’s say, a locally distributed daily newspaper.

First, it is not hard for me to believe that John Hood could have gotten into the fix he was in, especially since it was his first night and he had no experience. Many if not most lawns have those little trenches at the edge of the road, and if you don’t throw the paper just right, it can land in there. If you’re rambling along and realize that you made a misthrow (a regular occurrance when you’re delivering a couple hundred papers a night), you’ve got to back up, get out, and place it where it’s accessible for the customer. If it’s a dark night with no lighting on a rural road, backing into a ditch, or something like what John might have done, is conceivable. Compound the problem by trying to push yourself out when no one is around, and voila — self run-over. I don’t know all of his details, but I can certainly understand what he went through.

Almost all the paper carriers I knew were doing it as a second job in order to make ends meet. It was a thankless job that came with the pressure of getting the papers delivered on your route between roughly 3:30 or so and 6:30. If you were late, you could lose the payment for that customer if he complained. If the truck delivering papers to you was late (not uncommon), that was your problem too. I saw all types as carriers; elderly men and women, single moms with their young kids, complete families with their young kids, etc.

Most of them were pretty responsible, as far as I can tell. They put thousands of miles on their vehicles each year and beat the crap out of them (scuffed side mirrors, rapidly burned out brakes and tires, dings and dents) all to get the paper delivered so people had it when they woke up. Black newsprint gets all over the fabric and vinyl inside as well. One thing you may not be aware of is that carriers have to deliver out the LEFT hand side of their vehicle in order to put it in the paper tube, meaning they have to cross over into the oncoming traffic lane to make many deliveries. A dangerous little fact of the trade that most people don’t know about.

I remember one lady carrier called our supervisor in the middle of her route because she had struck a cow in the road and didn’t see it in the night. She was hysterical and I don’t think she ever came back. I drove down a rural road one night when I saw a huge ox plodding, on the loose, down the side of the street. If I hit that thing I might have been flattened in my little car. I did sideswipe a deer one night, and as fellow Lockeans who see my car in our parking lot every day know, I got rear-ended by a pickup truck on another night. Never got fixed because I had to make that stupid delivery to the left — just as the guy in the truck was speeding (yes, surpassing the speed limit at a fair clip) up to pass me on the left on a two-lane road. Mutual fault. Guess I was just too klutzy.

Because they are independent contractors, in order to be successful, carriers have to run their routes as a good business. The customer is always right and it’s important to keep him satisfied. Every customer you lose is money out of your pocket, not just the newspaper’s. If carriers fail to deliver faithfully, they are out of business. On the other side of things, the newspaper takes every opportunity, if they can find a way, to screw carriers out of the money they are entitled to. The customer always gets the benefit of the doubt. If a customer stops paying, the newspaper decides when delivery stops even though the carrier has stopped getting paid for that customer. Because the newspaper has other revenue it can carry that customer a little longer and try to win him back as a paying one, but if he doesn’t come back, the carrier loses all the money he delivered papers to that customer who didn’t pay.

Oh, and if you want a night off, that’s going to cost you too. Substitutes charge more per night than what you would ordinarily take in, and you are expected to deliver 7 days a week. It is up to you to find your own substitute. If the substitute screws up deliveries on your route, the newspaper gets ticked at you for the problems. It’s a relentless job.

Maybe they ought to just send those good old kids out on their bicycles again, like they used to, and maybe that will eliminate or reduce the klutz factor.