What Would You Rename the United Way?

Just a classic Uptown reaction to having one of their scams exposed — Let’s market our way out of it!

See, if you change the name of the United Way, then — poof! — everyone forgets about the strong-arm shakedown racket you ran for a decade in the guise of a charity. Then, you gin up the guilt machine with plenty of “needs unmet” propaganda, and within a year or two, you are back rolling in millions with which to bankroll your pet projects.

So what to call it? Truth in advertising would demand something like Guilty Dilworth Libs or Arrogant Eastover A-holes. I also like Bankers Trying to Get into Heaven. But if I were to put money on it — a donation of sorts — I’d bet on something involving “hands” or “help” or “care.”