I had lounged around in my bathing suit amidst the snowflakes all week, and figured it was time to have some fun. I was just about to take out a $6000 loan for some bottle rockets to string on my Christmas tree, after I wrapped it in designer crepe kindling. I calculated it would take about 400 trips to the store to get the goods, but first I wanted to soak my car’s engine in hydrochloric acid – The only thing that stopped me was the insightful Hints from Heloise in the Nanny State of Buncombe County’s e-zine. Sage edicts in the latest issue include:
• “It’s cold outside.”
• “There are however, [sic] some chores that need to be done in December.”
• “Be careful with your Christmas tree, your lights and your candles!”
• “Don’t pay for holiday spending 2008 in June 2009.”
• “As you do your holiday shopping, be sure to maximize your vehicle’s fuel efficiency by combining trips, driving gently, and keeping your car well-maintained.”
Other articles published in the interest of preserving your liberties include:
• “Oven Cleaning Made Easier”
• “How Soon Should I Refrigerate Leftovers?”
