This whole anger management problem resurfaced this morning when, while watching Super Bowl highlights, I did not spy one Asian on the field. I determined to lodge a complaint with the CUAFP (Coalition of Underrepresented Asian Football Players), but I’m having problems locating their number. Then, driving in to work, I heard about an effort to address high suicide rates among US veterans. Funny, thought I in a not funny way, we strive to intervene in Asian suicides by dumbing-down their math achievement – as in making the eggheads try to play football – but we can’t see the correlation between mass media’s constant barrage of anti-American propaganda that calls vets horrible monsters and worse and their, shall we say, seeking of greener pastures.

Anyhoo, if you haven’t noticed, divisiveness has been redefined by the Progressive dictionary to mean, “looking out for the supply side.” The balmy shampoo that in doublespeak repairs the split ends consists in looking past real differences and making and amping others up. The Buncombe County Board of Commissioners shall tomorrow, by decree, reactivate the Buncombe County Women’s Commission. Said commission went limp for several years, but the powers that be deem it necessary to put it back in motion. The committee will fulfill its mission of outreach and education about the social and economic conditions of women.

You may say you are getting mixed signals from government. First of all, gender was legislated away. Women are now officially equal, but the “separate but equal” must be broken down to allow voyeurs masquerading as female-identifying transvestites to lurk with impunity in women’s locker rooms and lavatories. Likewise, certain venues, attempting to do something about the long lines at women’s restrooms, have persuaded architects to provide more stalls in the ladies’ rooms. This cannot be tolerated.

In these days of equality, you may ask why women need a separate council. I shall explain, for those of you who do not have enlightened stalkers as I enjoy. Women are Eve, created by a rib from the side of a man. They were given an animal cortex to make them emotional and instinctive. Men, on the other hand, were given cerebra and cerebella to empower them with logic and reason. This innate difference between the genders has rendered the dog-brain women wholly dependent upon the engineering genius of men. But now that women are legislatively equal, traditional concepts of breadwinning are obsolete. Today’s woman must now work two or three jobs, raise the kids, cook and clean for her man, and keep his beer at the right temperature as he uses the house to entertain his girlfriends while she’s out. In return, men go to sensitivity training and learn how to lobby for women’s sole right: the right to abort fetuses.

Did I get that right?