That’s a line from SpongeBob SquarePants in an episode where a giant clam goes on an emotional rampage, but I swear it is also the first thing that popped into my head when I read today’s big Uptown paper of record story on sunburn risk.

It seems we are in the middle of July, humidity and cloud cover are low, and — this just in — Charlotte is technically located in what scientists call The South. This means if you plan on being outside for hours at a time, you might want to consider some sunscreen. That info required some 84 column inches for today’s paper to relate.

Oh, that and the fact that Charlotte’s current lack of ozone helps elevate the UV levels. Yes, too much ozone and we can’t breathe and we lose federal highway money to boot. Too little ozone and we all get skin cancer.

Like I said — scream and run around in circles. It is the only rational response to all this scare-mongering.