I was terrorized today. I received two envelopes in the mail today. If I were important enough, I would cry, “Verbal anthrax!” One came from my insurance company telling me I needed to make an appointment for a screening. Now, I realize my body is the property of the state, though I seem to have lost the papers documenting the sale. Still, I must allow strangers to poke around my private body parts. They can also take pictures to become part of the public record – securely, of course. My conscience and religious beliefs are merely a figment of my demented imagination. Maybe a doctor can prescribe something for that, something to help me fall in line and realize who has the power in this country.
The second came from OnStar. I thought my subscription was canceled. I didn’t want it in the first place, but the salesman treated me like an idiot and had me go through the introductions. He said it would be easy to cancel it, but his instructions didn’t work. Each time I called, I was hit with a tough sales pitch. My first impulse was to ask a mechanic friend who has a “Why use a match when you can use a blowtorch?” reputation how I could dismantle the tracking device. I wanted to do what Han Solo did when the board kept talking to him. I was told by mi amigo and a second opinion that dismantling would activate the anti-theft devices. My next strategy was to frequent brothels, etc. to mess up “their” database. Well, OnStar doesn’t want to terminate my subscription. They say they can save my life. I need a big nanny in the sky so I can whine and pay a fortune for an ambulance when I can walk to help.
